This week we finished Chapter 5 (relationships — an approach to establishing trust with your direct reports), and started Chapter 6 (guidance).
Chapter 5 (continued)
Respect boundaries
- “…a real hug may be the world’s most effective way to show you care personally.” Geoff had the privilege of doing this once with a colleague after the CEO chewed everyone out.
- Personal space is an issue in the US. Jamie said when he extends more than a handshake to someone, it indicates that the other person is very close to him personally. It’s dependent on the relationship in the group and with people individually. We discussed the American social contract between men and women and physical contact, and then the extent to what level of comfort people have with what guests can do in your home.
- “It’s fine to push yourself past your comfort zone, but not fine to make others uncomfortable, so try it only with people who want to be hugged.” Geoff suggested having a dot on your badge that indicates “I’m open to hugs”. Also at the time of this reading, we’re not supposed to get within six feet of people. 🙁
- “The best you can do is to own up to how you feel and what’s going on in the rest of your life, so others don’t feel your mood is their fault.”
- “Mental-health days should be taken more seriously than they are.” Houston mentioned that during the pandemic, taking time off for mental health has become more normalized. There’s still a stigma about taking care of your mental health like you would your physical care.
- We talked briefly about how children are being affected because of COVID-19 socialization restrictions and how this is or is not like socialization via public vs. home schools.
- “There are fewer faster paths to Manipulative Insincerity than imagining you can control another person’s emotional reactions or maneuver around them.” Jamie said he’s been on the receiving end of this, where others assume how he’d feel about something. Ask people if they’re ready to hear information they may not want to.
- Jameson said that he often has a silver-lining approach, where he tries to find the positive in situations. Geoff mentioned that when people approach him to share their negative emotions, he’s a fixer (i.e., he wants to find solutions to problems), but sometimes needs to just listen. This approach doesn’t work well for Jameson. Empty platitudes seem to hurt in general. You feel weird pushing people away that come to you with support. If you want to help someone, putting the burden on the other person doesn’t help (e.g., “If you need anything just ask”) and often overwhelms them with more choices. Come up with your own options or ask how others have helped.
- “Telling other people how to feel will backfire.” Again, you don’t own the feelings of others; this is invalidation.
- “If you really can’t handle emotional outbursts, forgive yourself… ‘I’m sorry you’re upset. I’m going to step out for a moment and get you some water. I’ll be right back.'” Don’t fuel the fire.
- “Also, walking and looking in the same direction often feels more collaborative than sitting across a table and staring each other down.” Geoff has read articles that suggest avoiding this (across a table) stance in interviews because the desk between you is a power barrier. Jamie added that when you’re walking with someone, there’s less concern about minding facial expressions as much as you would if you were face-to-face.
- Jameson thought it was odd to keep tissues and water bottles on hand for emotionally sensitive people. Is there something going on at work that you should readily need these things? It’s easier for people to hide and carry on so that others don’t really know how often these emotional lows happen. Houston asked if this is a product of the company or the people? The act of having the water bottle and tissues is to introduce a mental shift for either or both of you. Be prepared, but don’t let this be a bandage on a systemic problem of mental discomfort.
Chapter 6 – Guidance
Soliciting Impromptu Guidance
- We talked about the confusing table format in the book. The best we could come up with is that you should aim to check the columns of “praise” and “criticism” for all of the “getting,” “giving,” and “encouraging both” rows.
- “Along with the position, you inherit a bunch of assumptions that have nothing to do with who you really are. The role often changes people’s impressions of you in ways that can be bewildering.”
- “Unfortunately, though, being overly focused on respect can backfire because it’ll make you feel extra defensive when criticized.”
- We talked about whether some of the techniques in this book would be successful if a larger number of people participated in Radical Candor (as opposed to “the leadership team,” or my manager read this self-help book). It would help normalize the process of criticizing management in public.
- You are the exception to the “criticize in private” rule of thumb
- “When you encourage people to criticize you publicly, you get the chance to show your team that you really, genuinely want the criticism.”
- Have a go-to question
- “What could I do or stop doing that would make it easier to work with me?”
- Jameson said having this question is incredibly important, it’s difficult to come up with a good one, and the question should be tailored to your personality.
- Houston thought it would be uncomfortable to badger someone to get them to tell you what’s wrong. Sometimes they may not feel uncomfortable telling you, or there may not be a big enough problem. Don’t be the asshole by pestering them. Maybe ask in different ways at different times. Jameson said it depends on your emotional intelligence and how close you are to that person.
- Houston asked what happens if you’re remote and the other person doesn’t turn on their camera. Listen to inflections in vocal quality. In a group, call on people to help them participate more. Embrace the discomfort, as you know the other person is also uncomfortable.
- Embrace the discomfort
- Listen with the intent to understand, not to respond
- Geoff said this is good advice even if you’re not in management, or not in the office for that matter.
- Reward criticism to get more of it
- This advice breaks down with smart-asses and trolls in our society. It relies on people being sincere and not taking advantage of you.
- Jamie said some people simply don’t see the bigger problems and focus on small things (e.g., free soda in the break room vs. a more equitable bonus structure). What seems like trolling to us are the hills that some people are willing to die on.
- Acknowledge the feedback, then come back with a cogent reason why you will or won’t act on it.
- We returned to an example of listening to requests, specifically one from previously in the book where the team wanted better coffee.
- You could ask for concessions in return (e.g., the company will buy the coffee, but you have to bring your own mugs instead of us using disposable cups).
- What am I going to tell the CEO when I ask them for better coffee? It’s not a quid pro quo, but a small reason to rise to the occasion. Maybe solve the simple problems like coffee to get to the bigger problems?
- Geoff said you can’t please everyone. Some people will wonder why you didn’t spend the money on better equipment, higher pay, etc.
- Sometimes when you spend your own money on a problem (e.g., buying the coffeemaker and coffee), people will take you seriously.
- Gauge the guidance you get