This week we continued to discuss Chapter 5 (relationships — an approach to establishing trust with your direct reports).
Master the art of socializing at work
- “Sometimes, though, when these events are introduced by management, they can feel both obligatory and forced…”
- “For the most part, it’s better to use time after work to keep yourself centered than to socialize with work colleagues.” Geoff thought Kim wasn’t consistent with her messaging, and it sounds like the quotation from Return of the Jedi: “Keep your distance though, Chewie…but don’t look like you’re trying to keep your distance.” Jamie thought it was more nuanced: You need to appear to be part of the team. Maybe thirty minutes after work is okay, but not an entire night out.
- Jameson said if you don’t do anything outside of the day-to-day grind, you’ll be missing out on some organic opportunities. Dennis has found that social events have allowed him to get to know people he wouldn’t have otherwise.
- We discussed whether you’d be okay working with people that behave badly when they’re intoxicated. Is it the same because it’s after hours? There’s also a legal liability issue when you have a work function and there’s unlimited access to alcohol. If you create the environment that can enable bad behavior, how much responsibility do you have?
- If the purpose of stopping work early is to get to know one another better, sending people home doesn’t really solve that problem. Jamie said perhaps you can order a team lunch in, or spend time playing video games together. Houston said not everyone wants the same activity, but Jamie said if you do it during work hours, they’re less likely to say no. The author warned earlier that this can be construed as “mandatory;” you need to be clear about this. Status and title can hold a fair amount of sway.
Respect boundaries
- You need to earn trust to be invited into someone’s inner circle and learn more about them as an individual. You also need to learn how to talk to people individually. People are different at work than they are outside of work.
- “Building trust in any relationship takes time because trust is built on a consistent pattern of acting in good faith.”
- “An exercise that requires people to talk publicly about their values may drive a wedge rather than help people find what they have in common.” Geoff said that it’s too bad sharing values is hit or miss; we’ve done this in a leadership workshop recently and it was liberating.
- “It’s possible to care personally about a person who disagrees with your views on abortion or guns or God.” Geoff said this takes emotional and cognitive effort. He values being around others who are different than him; however it seems in 2020 this is becoming more difficult because of increased polarization.
- Jameson asked, “What if you peel back the layers to find someone is racist, but that character trait doesn’t impact their work?” You learn what conversations to not bring up that might be uncomfortable for them or others. Don’t put yourself in situations that would be awkward if possible.
- We talked about using the phrase “you guys” vs. “y’all” vs. “you’ns.” How about “you all,” “everyone,” or “everybody?” Personal pronoun usage is a topic of debate. You can chose whether to claim heritage (i.e., I learned how to communicate this way growing up) vs. challenging yourself in that your language may not be inclusive. We also talked about that all of us are white male and have a certain amount of privilege.
- What matters is what you do about the situation when you realize the words you choose matters.